This Summer

Infertility is a bitch. I've been through a lot in my lifetime and experienced a lot of emotions, but infertility has kicked my ass.

It took us 5 years to get pregnant with Emma. Our first round of IVF was successful. However, the multiple IUIs, fertility drugs, and other methods were a huge source of stress and drained us emotionally and financially. But we were finally pregnant! Emma is a blessing and has made us so happy.

Fast forward to Emma's first birthday and we're ready to try for baby #2! We only had 2 embryos to start with so this was our last chance. There was a lot of tests to be done prior to starting and once things started moving along, my body apparently didn't want to respond. Our round got cancelled. This was so disappointing and stressful and I was beyond annoyed that I had pumped my body with a nasty drug that gave me horrible side effects for nothing.


A couple of months later we tried again. This time, a natural cycle. Everything seemed great and the embryo thawed out perfectly. We didn't want to get our hopes up but we felt very sure things would work. Why wouldn't they? Emma was proof this could work.

And it didn't. My body got rid of the embryo. And that's it. No more babies.

Needless to say, this has been a tough summer. I spent weeks travelling to and from Barrie and Toronto for tests and appointments. All while Adam tried to work and we balanced parenthood and taking care of Emma. It was rough. I was sad and scared for most of it.

And I know, don't blame yourself, but I do. I'm not over that yet. I feel like my body - emotionally, mentally, and physically - wasn't prepared. I felt off and not very hopeful for some reason. Maybe we rushed things? Maybe I could have been in better health? I don't know. And I hate that I'll never know what happened.

It's been over a month and I just feel lost. Depression has hit and this is causing a multitude of things to snowball which isn't good for me....

Because of the constant travelling this summer, my eating habits weren't great. I'm sure I consumed more coffee than water all summer and I definitely ate way too much processed foods. I didn't sleep much due to anxiety and spending a lot of nights in hotel rooms. Then I found out I wasn't pregnant which caused more binge eating, nights on the couch doing nothing, and feeling numb. I've been at a loss on how to feel, what to do, and how to move forward.

When Emma is awake, things get pushed aside. That little girl can put a smile on my face no matter what. It's when she goes to bed. My evenings are hard.

I write this in hopes of letting some of this weight off my shoulders. To start my next journey. To figure out how to move forward and live a happy and meaningful life.

To anyone facing infertility, I see you and I feel for you. You are not alone.


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