I Am Not My Anxiety

Let's talk about mental health.

I've always been a somewhat anxious person; worrying about every little thing and usually playing out all the worse case scenarios in my head. But once I got pregnant with Emma, things got worse. I became obsessed about what I was eating while I was pregnant. Double checking everything was pasteurized, didn't contain any spices that were said to bring on early labour, and keeping Adam's lunch meat in a special drawer in our fridge that I refused to touch. I didn't think it was too weird considering how many years and how much money it took to get pregnant. I didn't want to take any chances to mess things up.

My everything.

Once Emma was born, the anxiety only got worse. I once again blamed it on the fact that this took so long to happen and because of the somewhat traumatic birth of Emma. There were complications that scared the crap out of me.

But the anxiety never lessened. To be honest, at times, it got worse. If a stranger touched her when we were out, if someone came over with a cold, if she ate or drank something I knew had been on the floor or touched by a bunch of other people, all these things would set me off.

After having a couple of full-blown panic attacks, thankfully Adam was home for these and helped me through them, I went to see my doctor.

He prescribed me a low-dose antidepressant that would also help with my anxiety.

But my doctor also discussed with me other things that could help; cardio, melatonin for better sleep, talking to someone, etc.

I took that medication for 4 days and then panicked and stopped. Why? Because I knew we wanted to go through with embryo #2 and the medication isn't recommended while pregnant.

I continued on using melatonin, trying to give myself more time to relax, talking to people around me more about what was bothering me, and tried to get outside for walks in the sunshine. Some days this helped, but overall, my mental health hasn't improved much. Those days feel like a bandaid over a bigger problem.

My OCD hasn't calmed down one bit and my overly dry hands show how excessive my hand washing is. This past summer didn't help things when I was overdosed with all types of hormones for my frozen embryo procedure and then had to come off all those hormones when I got my negative test result. The past month has been all about my body settling back into its normal hormonal balance, which hasn't been easy. My mood swings have been bad, my appetite has been unpredictable, I'm exhausted, my acne has flared up, and the two periods I've had have been some of my worse.

Earlier this week, after a emotional meltdown, I started my antidepressants again. I don't know if or how much they'll help. I know it takes a bit for them to get into your system. But I'm hoping they take the edge of my mood swings, irritability, and irrational fear and anxiety. Some days I feel like an absolute nutcase and I'd love for that to go away.

Here's to improving my mental health.


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